Gender
Posted in Transition on March 31st, 2008 by Caleb – Comments OffI haven’t been thinking much about transition lately, and mostly there isn’t much to say. But my position on things has changed slowly and significantly.
I am perceived as male. 100% of the time. It’s been a long time since I worried which bathroom I belong in. I’m even starting to get pretty good at understanding male social codes. I’m completely relaxed about pronouns, and I still prefer male pronouns. Sometimes, I’ll realize that someone I’m getting to know has absolutely no idea that I’m not birth-assigned male. And I like it.
I don’t particularly feel like a man. I don’t really know what that feels like. I do, however, know that this makes me happy. I’m not sure if I’m genderqueer, exactly, except in the sense that I see gender as mutable, arbitrary, and often nonconsensual. If I appear gender-variant, it’s only in the sense that I don’t look straight–in sexual orientation, not gender. I’m only visibly genderqueer in the sense that the social markers of queer sexuality are often perceived as gender-cues.
And maybe that’s what it’s about for me? Maybe it’s not about gender identity at all. I’m not a masculine woman. I’m an androgynous-dressing, feminine-acting, non-woman. When I’m read as a queer guy, I feel affirmed. And I just want to be read as something that comes reasonably close to how I see myself socially. And I am, now.
These days, the most awkward social situations for me are ones in which I am perceived to be the straight-male half of a socially-sanctioned heterosexual relationship. I’m not all that upset about being perceived as a straight dude–I find it silly. But I hate for any of my female-assigned partners (none of whom identify as female or straight) to be read as straight because of me. But it’s not like being read as a lesbian couple was doing them any favors, either.
I’m not a man. I’m definitely not a woman. I might not really be genderqueer. I don’t really identify as transsexual. But I like the way I look, and I like where I am right now. So, I must be moving in the right direction.