Monthly Archives: March 2008

Gender

Posted on March 31, 2008 by Caleb

I haven’t been thinking much about transition lately, and mostly there isn’t much to say.  But my position on things has changed slowly and significantly.

I am perceived as male.  100% of the time.  It’s been a long time since I worried which bathroom I belong in.  I’m even starting to get pretty good at understanding male social codes.  I’m completely relaxed about pronouns, and I still prefer male pronouns.  Sometimes, I’ll realize that someone I’m getting to know has absolutely no idea that I’m not birth-assigned male.  And I like it.

I don’t particularly feel like a man.  I don’t really know what that feels like.  I do, however, know that this makes me happy.  I’m not sure if I’m genderqueer, exactly, except in the sense that I see gender as mutable, arbitrary, and often nonconsensual.  If I appear gender-variant, it’s only in the sense that I don’t look straight–in sexual orientation, not gender.  I’m only visibly genderqueer in the sense that the social markers of queer sexuality are often perceived as gender-cues.

And maybe that’s what it’s about for me?  Maybe it’s not about gender identity at all.  I’m not a masculine woman.  I’m an androgynous-dressing, feminine-acting, non-woman.  When I’m read as a queer guy, I feel affirmed.  And I just want to be read as something that comes reasonably close to how I see myself socially.  And I am, now.

These days, the most awkward social situations for me are ones in which I am perceived to be the straight-male half of a socially-sanctioned heterosexual relationship.  I’m not all that upset about being perceived as a straight dude–I find it silly.  But I hate for any of my female-assigned partners (none of whom identify as female or straight) to be read as straight because of me.  But it’s not like being read as a lesbian couple was doing them any favors, either.

I’m not a man.  I’m definitely not a woman.  I might not really be genderqueer.  I don’t really identify as transsexual.  But I like the way I look, and I like where I am right now.  So, I must be moving in the right direction.

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Month Five

Posted on March 1, 2008 by Caleb

5 Months on Testosterone

5 Months on Testosterone
voice clip : 5 months

My voice reads consistently as male at this point.  On the rare occasions when my voice (over phone or intercom) is read as female, I suspect that it has more to do with my female-patterned and expressive speech than on my actual pitch.  Oh well–I refuse to be monotone.

I feel like my face has started to lose some of the puffiness it’s had for a few months, and I’m so very relieved by that.  I’m getting a few more mustache hairs, and my cheeks have more fuzz on them.  More of the same, really.

Since I haven’t been working out as I’d planned, there hasn’t been an increase in muscle mass.  My chest and stomach are definitely hairier, and a few more odd hairs have shown up on my back (!!!). The hair on the tops of my feet and arms has definitely gotten longer and darker, too.

My sex drive is still lower than when I first started my transition.  My dick has probably quadrupled in size, and I’ve had a harder time getting used to it than I thought I would.  It still throws me off whenever I see it or touch it, and I’m strangely self-conscious about it.  I’m hoping this will change for the better soon as well.

Over the past month or so, I’ve had to accept that there are some things about being on testosterone that I don’t like.  It was hard to do, considering what I went through to begin HRT.  I’ve had to accept that I experience emotion differently, and it’s harder for me to talk about my feelings.  I’ve been making a conscious effort to try to be more at home in my mind and body.  It seems to be working, since I’ve been able to cry again, and I’m having an easier time with verbal and textual communication.

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