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Monthly Archives: May 2008
Subconscious Sex
From Julia Serano’s website:
subconscious sex
A subconscious, intrinsic, self-understanding that all people experience regarding their own sex embodiment. Cissexuals tend not to notice or appreciate their own subconscious sex because it is concordant with their physical sex (and therefore they tend to conflate for two). In contrast, trans people tend to be excruciatingly aware of their subconscious sex (as it is at odds with their physical sex). Trans people most often describe their subconscious sex as an intrinsic, inexplicable, deeply felt understanding that there is something “wrong” with the sex they were born into, or that they should be (or wish they could become) the other sex.
That nicely sums up some of my more current theories about myself. Namely, I don’t feel like I have any sort of gender trouble whatsoever. I’ve never had a particular attachment to any gender identity; my gender expression hasn’t changed in any meaningful way since I was first able to pull on my own shirt. I was no more or less fine being treated as female than I am being treated as male–which is to say, I think that the social roles that men and women are expected to occupy are largely bullshit, and I intend to ignore them completely, except to challenge misogyny where I find it.
That’s the biggest thing I’ve noticed lately–that the trans people I know haven’t changed, and don’t intend to change, their gender expressions. As a female-assigned person, people saw me as fairly “masculine”. These days I’m perceived as an adequately (if not particularly) masculine man.
I’ve noticed that I’ve tended to describe my experience as “body dysphoria” rather than “gender dyshoria”. My gender is still pretty stable–it doesn’t amount to much of anything, and I don’t really care too much one way or another. But mybody is the problem, because my very visceral sense of myself, and of my internal rightness, is male. My embodiment feels wrong.
I definitely can’t say that I wouldn’t have a problem if I had a male body but continued to be treated as a woman. But that’s only because people aren’t treated as women for the hell of it–they’re treated as women because their bodies are perceived as female. And for my dysphoria to be mitigated, I feel like I need to perceive my own body as male, and have other people treat my body as male..
Month Seven
7 Months on Testosterone
voice clip : 7 months
I’m almost positive that my jawline is more defined. My facial hair comes in faster now, and it’s still pleasantly soft. I have to clipper my mustache these days, along with my cheeks and neck-beard, because my whiskers are all quite noticeable. I’ve noticed that more and more of my facial hair is coming in red; I don’t know whether to attribute this to my Irish/Scottish heritage, or to my spending more time outside now that it’s warm.
A few days back, I gave in and clippered my torso to about .25 inches. I suspect that I’ll have to get a lot better at manscaping, since there’s no indication that the growth will stop any time soon. I’m starting to get more noticeable hair on my chest, and my belly fur has spread out and now covers most of the available acreage. On the back-ne front, I’ve been trying wearing an undershirt underneath my binder (per internet recommendations), and I’m waiting to report on the results of this tactic.
I seem to be getting back a wider range of emotions. I’m able to cry, at least a little bit, when I’m sad. I accept that it’ll never be the same as it was pre-T, though. I may not be as able to express my grief and sadness these days, but I am much better able to expess anger and frustration. To me, it seems to be a fair enough trade.