Monthly Archives: December 2008

My nipples are doing something that (I hope) amounts to turning back to their more usual brownish color.  My left nipple remains more prominent than my right one.

I stopped using the binder at 17 days post-op; I couldn’t take it anymore.  There’s still some swelling in places and some occasional fluid seeps through what’s left of my scabs.  On my side of the bed, there are little spots of blood and chest goop.

I’m having reactions to the sutures still.  They’re coming to the surface and poking out of the incisions, where I grab them and try to slide them out.  I pulled out like 3″ of suture from my left side a few days ago–which is a record length.  It was awesome and disgusting.

My incisions are thin, but getting redder, which is supposedly normal.  The scars are supposed to be at their reddest and hardest from now until 3 months post-op.K has been great about helping me with scar treatment.  He rubs shea butter on my chest and nipples twice a day.  At first, he was doing it because I was too freaked out by my chest to even look at it. Nowadays, it’s become something of a sweet romantic gesture.

Nowadays, I can sleep on my side fairly comfortably, so long as I can get my arms and the end of my incision in the right place.  I’m almost comfortable on my belly.

I am so happy with my chest.  It still freaks me out occasionally, but it’s becoming really rare these days.  I love just throwing on a shirt and leaving the house.  And being able to take off my shirt and not be indecent.  And the way I look in shirts, giant belly or not.

I’m just not stressed when I leave the house anymore.  I’m not in physical pain all the time from binding.  I feel happier than I’ve felt since I can remember.  Now, I’m just waiting anxiously to see the final contour of my chest, and waiting for sensation to come back in a couple of areas that are still holding out.

It’s the best decision I’ve ever made.

I’m hardly swollen at this point, although I have some faint bruising from the liposuction.  The rest of the skin glue came off today in the shower.  I can only see a couple of sutures left, and a bunch of purple marker that I’ll get off later.    

I could drive as of yesterday.  I’ve also been able to have sex, thanks to creative positioning.

My incisions are narrow, smooth, and pink.

My left areola has almost completely peeled, and it’s that creepy pink color.  My right areola just started shedding that disgusting, gooey grey scab/skin in the shower today, and it’s probably 1/3 pink.  I really hope that after this initial peel, there is no more scabbing/peeling.

The maxi pad bandages drive me absolutely up the wall.  After an hour or so, they itch like mad.  I’ve been spending an increasing amount of time outside of the binder between dressing changes.  So, today, I’m giving myself a break.  I’m covering my nipples, of course, but I’m going to leave off the binder for a few hours.  If I hurt or swell up, then I’ll put it back on.  Otherwise, I think I can handle binding at night and in the evening, but letting my skin breathe in the mornings and afternoons.

Sleeping in my binder and on my back is making me breathe funny–sleep apnea style.  I haven’t been able to fall asleep as fast or stay asleep for long enough since surgery, because I usually sleep on my stomach or on my side.  I’ve almost constructed a way to sleep kinda sorta partially on my side, by putting a pillow under half of my back.  It’s pathetic, but it helps.    

I just went to brunch with K wearing only nipple gauze and some loose shirts.  I felt like I’d left the house without pants.  And kind of angry and mournful about binding and breasts and access to surgery.  It’s so simple to just throw (or gently wrestle) on a shirt and go out.  It’s so painless.

I’m so glad that I’m post-op, even though my chest still freaks me out in its wound-like state, with its numb areas and hypersensitivity, and its limiting effect on my range of motion and reach.  But it’s the best result I’ve seen so far, especially on a chubby guy.  Maybe I only think that because it’s mine, but I think that’s valid.

It’s amazing to think that my medical transition is basically over, since I have no plans for a hysterectomy or genital surgery at this point in time.  I still have to change all my documents over, but that seems really minor after the past year.

I hung out with some folks without my binder on, while it was washed. I left the stuff over my nipples, and then took those off right before I re-dressed them. I feel much more in my body.

Today, when I was changing the dressings and showering, I noticed that it does seem like it’s my skin holding my chest together, and not just the sutures, skin glue, and my binder. I’m feeling a lot more connected to my chest, as evidenced by the fact that I didn’t feel queasy while I was unbound and a little afterward. Anxiety and nausea without my binder has been persistent over the past few days.

Meanwhile, I have been perfecting the art of bandages. Four maxi pads seem to do the trick, and between me and K rearranging them, I can get them in a pretty comfortable place. The super-long “heavy flow” pads seem to be thick enough to make me feel safe, and keep me bound tight.

We checked out of our hotel in the morning, and headed into Cleveland to waste time before the follow-up appointment. The post-op appointment was actually at the main Metrohealth Hospital, which turns out to be the size of a small city.

After finding our way to the right waiting room, we waited for what seemed like forever. Then, we were taken back by Andrea, the nurse, and she undid the binder without much fanfare. I felt really delicate and exposed.

Then, she ripped off the foam. It was the most painful part of the whole surgery experience, and it was painful. Very, very painful. In the middle of my chest, I didn’t feel much, but on either side, under my armpits, I was very sensitive, and it was excruciating. I cursed, felt dizzy and nauseous, and lost a good bit of my chest hair.

Next, she removed the surgical tape, which didn’t hurt at all. And my chest was just… there.

I’m not going to lie: I freaked out. I had to lie back, and I was brought some water. Andrea was worried that I regretted having surgery, but I didn’t. It was just shocking. And it smelled bad, and it looked so raw, and like my chest was barely being held together. Andrea left me and E alone for a few minutes while she found another nurse to help her remove my drains, because she wanted to remove them both at the same time.

The drain removal itself wasn’t too bad. Andrea pulled out the right side, and I didn’t feel it at all. The other nurse didn’t do as good of a job, and I felt a sharp pain at the end and bled a little bit.

And that was it. I was given further instructions, and shown how to dress my incisions and my nipples, and helped back into my binder, which fit much, much more loosely than it had with all that foam under it. Then, I wobbled back to the car.

On the way to the airport, E and I stopped at a Goodwill, where he helped me try on some shirts, some of which I bought. Everything fit beautifully! We returned the car and waited for our flight to board. Our flight ended up being delayed for a few hours, and the plane was pretty small. By the time we landed, I was grumpy and aching and exhausted, but I was home!

K was waiting for me, and he ran up to me and hugged me (gingerly) as soon as he saw me. It was so great to see him again. It reminded me that I still have 5 more weeks off of work to heal, and spend time with him over the holidays.  We had dinner with E and his partner, and then K took me home.

My first shower felt great, but it was unsettling. I was really nervous about taking off the binder, and about K seeing my chest. He was a lot more comfortable with my chest than I was, and he helped me get the binder off, take off the bandages, and got me into the shower. He washed my hair and my back and arms, and then left me to spend some time with my chest. The shower helped a little; I felt more composed and a little calmer when he helped me put the Bacitracin on my incisions and nipples and helped get me re-bound.

I know I needed this surgery; I know I didn’t want breasts. I feel great whenever I have my clothes on. Without my binder on, though, I feel really disconnected from my chest, and really scared. I hope this gets better.