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Monthly Archives: April 2009
xTM
I don’t know when I became uncomfortable describing myself as “FTM”. I’m not sure if it’s internalized transphobia, but it might be (although, I have no trouble describing myself as “trans”). It just doesn’t feel like an honest way to describe my experience.
I was a lesbian-identified bisexual, and that feels fine to say. But “female” is something that was put on me, from the beginning. I chose gender words I was comfortable with, of which tomgirl remains my favorite. I think that one of the reasons I’ve lost interest in being a part of most trans panels and the like is that I don’t want to refer to myself as “FTM” or “female-to-male” or any of that other nonsense.
5 Months Post-Op
5 months post-op
I’m not completely comfortable having my shirt off around strangers yet, but I occasionally drive home from work without a shirt on, or scurry out to check the mail in only some pajama bottoms.
But there’s nothing like walking or riding a bike or sitting outside on a hot day without four layers of lycra binding down over 6lbs of breast tissue.
Additionally, I think I’m starting to regain some sensation in my right nipple–although just barely. The only feeling I get is slight pain/discomfort when it’s pinched or rubbed firmly, such as when I am massaging shea butter onto my chest.
There’s a spot on my left nipple (just where the nipple meets the areola) which tends to be irritated due to a single hair that tries to push through in that area.
5 months post-op : left side
5 months post-op : left nipple
5 months post-op : right side
5 months post-op : right nipple
Gender & Food
My partner, K, decided to go back to omnivorism recently, and I’ve mostly joined him. I’ve distinctly noticed a couple of things, though, about maleness and food.
First, whenever I order something vegetarian and K (who is usually perceived as female, FYI) orders something with meat in it, I am usually offered the meat dish. This has happened twice in two days. The first time, with a barbecue sandwich at a pizza place, and the next time today at a local Thai restaurant–both places which we frequent, and where I’ve consistently ordered vegetarian meals.
Vegetarianism is very, very feminized. It makes me feel weird to eat meat, in a strange way. It makes me feel like I’m butching up. Even though I really, really like chicken and fish.
Also, people assume things that they didn’t assume before. At Panera, the cashier assumed I wanted chips with my meal, instead of the other options. When folks thought I was female, that rarely happened. This might’ve been a coincidence, but I suspect that the cashier wouldn’t have assumed that a woman would automatically choose the least healthy/low-fat side option.
Weird.