(trans)prose

A good friend of mine shared with me an article that got me thinking about something tangential.

I automatically prickle when I see/hear/read someone who I assume (sometimes inaccurately, I’m sure) is a cissexual woman who passes as gender-normative say that they “used to identify as bisexual” but then started to identify as queer, because they “didn’t want to identify with a binary system of sexuality”.

Obviously, I’d never want to keep anybody from identifying their sexuality by whatever words they choose, for whatever motives.  But I think I’m starting to realize that I don’t find sexuality to be above criticism.  Of course, that didn’t sink in until I was the one being non-consensually objectified, but that’s a whole ‘nother post.

I mention this a lot, but I have never once heard that tired “binary system of sexuality” shit about heterosexuality or homosexuality.  The folks I’ve known who now identify as queer after formerly identifying as bisexual tend to be either genderqueer themselves, or partners and close friends of genderqueer-identified people.

But I find myself hearing and reading it a lot from people who used to identify as straight/gay, but who find themselves dating or attracted to a trans person, regardless of whether the trans person’s actual gender identity is non-binary.

If I hadn’t worked through my internalized biphobia, I’d probably be identifying as “queer” instead of bisexual (clarification: I do describe my sexuality as “queer”, although I identify as bisexual), the same way I once identified as “lesbian” instead of bisexual.  And I’m positive that I’m not alone.  I didn’t spend much time with other queer women, but almost every lesbian-identified friend I had was secretly bisexual.  We/they just didn’t want the invisibility and invalidation bisexual women face, within and outside the queer community.

I also have seen it a lot from queer women who either have a Thing for [early-/non- medically transitioning] trans guys, (again, regardless of the trans person’s actual gender identity).  I think that it’s probably at least a little bit about biphobia, but it often ends up invalidating the maleness of cisgender trans guys.  If those trans guys were really male to them, then I doubt I’d have to read this little aside about them doing their part to smash the binary by being open to dating a trans person.  They’d actually have to figure out what their attraction to men means for them and their sexualities, and what it means for their communities.  I think it’s just a lot easier to ungender trans men than it is to work through their own shit.

I know people who are exceptions to this, of course.  But I’ve been around awhile.  Long enough to notice a trend.

One reason that I’m pulling away from trans spaces for a while is to get away from cis people talking about cis issues as they pertain to trans people.  I have my own internalized transphobia to deal with.  I have to disentangle it from my genderqueer identity.  It’s fucking hard to do that when everywhere I look, cisgender trans people are being ungendered in the name of genderqueer politics.  I need to deal with internalized homophobia and biphobia again–because it’s different now that I’m perceived as male.  And it’s really hard to do that when attraction to trans people (cisgender and genderqueer) is making people “queer”.

If I don’t somewhat shield myself from other people’s bullshit, how can I ever live my truth as a queer* genderqueer** trans*** man****?

Also, can we all just STFU about how we feel about other people’s genitals, namely factory-issue dicks?  It’s not cute, or funny, and doesn’t make you a more authentic member of your sexual identity.  It comes across as derogatory towards the people who love (and have!) those genitals, and dismissive of the genital dysphoria of your [other] trans friends–who might not have genital dysphoria, but sure as fuck wouldn’t tell you if they did.

* my sexuality; my attraction to people’s bodies and identities on their own terms; unrelated to my trans status or genderqueer identity
** my gender identity and expression; my claiming my right to femininity as a man, a queer man, and a trans man; NOT my past, present or future body
*** the history of my body; my dysphoria and the steps I’ll always be taking to lessen it
**** my privilege, whether or not it was my birthright; acknowledgement of my institutional power over women, and over those who can’t/don’t/won’t “pass” as cissexual