On February 13, 2010 I gave myself a shot. I didn’t give myself another one until June 3, almost 4 months later. Why?
June 2010 : almost 4 months off HRT
- I was feeling really burnt out on doing shots.
- I needed to find out if HRT was something that was necessary for me to feel right, or if I felt better without it, or somewhere in between.
- I wanted to confirm emotionally what I already knew cognitively–that my being perceived correctly (as male) isn’t tied to my maintaining normal testosterone levels.
- I didn’t want to elevate testosterone above other medications. While it made my transition possible, at this point it mostly serves a maintenance function in my life and in my body.
- I was curious about the physical and emotional effects of discontinuing HRT, and how I would feel about them. I wanted to know (to the extent that I could) what changes in my personality over the past few years were exclusively related to HRT.
I never noticed a drop-off. It happened so slowly, I suppose, that I just never noticed. I was neither more nor less tired. I didn’t experience any spikes in dysphoria, anxiety, or depression.
Physically, I didn’t notice much in the way of changes. My speaking voice didn’t change, although I found it easier to access higher notes when singing, and my falsetto range got better. My facial and body hair grew just as fast and thick as it usually did, and might have continued to fill in. I did notice that my skin was softer.
Of course, as I hardly noticed anything, certainly nobody else did. I didn’t “de-transition” in any way.
My sex drive was definitely lower, though it certainly didn’t disappear. I wasn’t as into porn, either. There was no change in my erections. There were some changes in scent and lubrication.
Overall, I was really into not being on HRT. I felt less surly, and more emotional, though I think part of that was that I felt so happy not to be doing shots. It was freeing not to have to think about it, not to have to do it.
Eventually, though, the freedom was replaced by anxiety over when I would menstruate. I thought about that part of my body more than usual, and I was really dreading the event. I began thinking about hysterectomy, so that I wouldn’t have to worry about menstruating, or about exams.
When I did eventually menstruate, I was pretty freaked out about it. It didn’t feel right or tolerable. I didn’t like the way my body felt, and I felt irritated and mad that I even knew what it was like to have a period. The inconvenience and angst of menstruation (and of waiting for it to show up) definitely surpassed the inconvenience and angst about shots, so I gave myself a dose the day after i started my period.
That period was about 4 days long. It took me a few shots before I got back on a regular schedule (I averaged a shot every 3 weeks). Eventually, though, I started spotting when I was late. I gave myself a shot then, prevented a full-blown period, and have been consistent with my dose since then.
I also noticed nothing when I began doing my shots again, except my sex drive fluctuates more with my shot cycle than it did before. I figure that once my body adjusts and my trough t levels don’t go below the normal range, I won’t notice a difference.
On the whole, I’m glad that I discontinued HRT for a while. As a result, I know that in the future I’ll probably want a low/no-maintenance endocrine system. Switching to the Testopel implant would be one solution.
Another solution (most likely in addition to the above) might be a hysterectomy, either without salpingo-oophorectomy (removal of ovaries and Fallopian tubes), or leaving one ovary intact. In theory, that would allow me to discontinue testosterone therapy either temporarily or permanently in the future, if I desire. Leaving at least one functional ovary might prevent any loss of bone density from lack of sex hormone, although it comes with risk.
I particularly like the option of leaving an ovary intact. A hysterectomy would be required for the phalloplasty procedure I’m considering, because it requires vaginectomy.
