3 Years on Testosterone
voice clip : 3 years
It’s hard to believe how much my life has changed in the past four years. Then, I could barely leave my house sometimes because of my anxiety and depression. I couldn’t seem to keep a job, and I was losing hope that I would ever find a way to finish my education. I hated my body and was struggling with the realization that I needed to transition.
While I still struggle with anxiety and depression, it is nothing like it once was for me. I am able to get out of bed and function in society pretty much every day. Just as importantly, I’m about to bounce back from the brief periods where I do have trouble functioning. I have had the same job for almost three years. I’ve been accepted into my college’s highly competitive nursing program, and will start the curriculum in about a week. I still struggle with body dysphoria and the knowledge that there are still steps I need to take to correct it. While I am not completely at peace with my body, I can honestly say that I love it, and myself as a whole.
My body hasn’t changed much in the past year. It’s a bit furrier all over, and that’s the biggest change. I’ve got a good bit on my back, and my tummy fur is darker, thicker, and a bit longer, though I think it looks better and less random than it did before. I keep most of my body hair clippered. The backs of my hands have a little bit of hair on them now, but it’s hardly noticeable–my arms aren’t very hairy.
facial hair after 3-ish years HRT
My facial hair continues to do its thing. It’s getting thicker and fuller, and filling in the blanks. It’s going slowly, but it is happening. I still keep a short beard, though lately I’ve been less meticulous about shaving the hair around my mouth, even though it’s not really “there” yet. Since I’ve been so lax, though, I do have a picture to show you my facial hair development at this point.
Before testosterone, I could grow patchy sideburns and two thick patches on my chin. I knew some guys who envied me for being fairly hairy pre-testosterone. It might have been some consolation for them had they known that it doesn’t seem to have given me much more than a short-term advantage. I have more hair than many cissexual men my age, and less than some who have been on HRT a much shorter time. Fortunately, I am still young enough that my facial hair pattern is pretty typical, and it’s acceptable (if not exactly stylish) for twentysomethings to grow shitty proto-beards in my area.
Most of what I talked about here remains true for me. I still haven’t disclosed to anybody at school, and I still have no plans to. When trying on uniforms, I’ve been shirtless with other men in my program, and my chest either went unnoticed or unmentioned. A few times, it’s come up that I give myself shots to maintain a normal testosterone level. I’ve never needed to lie or contort the truth; I don’t have to fabricate stories. I just don’t say “I was assigned female at birth.” and it’s that simple.
Unless something major changes, I absolutely intend to live an increasingly “stealth” life. I feel more at-ease and friendly with acquaintances who don’t know I’m trans than with those who do. I feel like I have a more professional relationship with those coworkers with whom I’ve never discussed it.
Basing a community around the assumption that I naturally belong in a category or community with other people who are trans/have transitioned is not only longer useful for me, but it actually seems to hold me back. Having an area of my life in which I am completely “stealth” has made it easier for me to focus on other things. I withdrew from spaces where the only uniting force among participants was the idea of transness. I’ve funneled that extra free time into my hobbies, mainly reading and riding my bicycle. Besides, most of my time and energy will soon be spent studying and working.
I’ve also become fairly confident that my future holds a hysterectomy (with the removal of one ovary, if not both of them) and radial forearm free flap phalloplasty, but that is the subject of another post.
March 2010
June 2010
