(trans)prose

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing in support of Caleb’s ([birth name]; [DOB]; [SSN]) request to begin hormone therapy for the transition process of female to male gender. My interviews with Caleb, and subsequent diagnosis of Gender Identity Disorder, support his request to begin hormone therapy. I am experienced in providing psychotherapy for individuals experiencing gender identity dysphoria, and adhere to the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care for Gender Identity Disorders.

I’m writing this to give a point of reference, since–compared to most pre-testosterone guys–I already have a good bit of facial and body hair.

If I shave my face in the morning, by evening I have scratchy stubble; by the next evening, I am visibly scruffy. On my chin, I have two patches of hair with a gap in the middle with one or two short dark hairs.  I develop a sparse, patchy neck beard if I don’t shave at least every two days. My sideburns will grow to about a half an inch in a little over a week–my right sideburn is fairly even, while my left is patchy. I have one or two hairs on each cheek and no mustache to speak of, save a few downy hairs above the corners of my lips.

I have a patch of hair in the center of my chest that forks off into two sparse, patchy strips which reach almost to my collar bones–again, the right side is much fuller than the left.  My areolas are thinly outlined in short black hairs.

My happy trail begins a few inches above my navel and thickens and fills out below it. The rest of my belly is smooth.

My legs and ass are covered in a thick, soft, brown carpet of hair. I feel like testosterone may change the texture or the color of the hair here, but there just isn’t any room for new growth.

I already have some back hair, a fact I find ominous and disturbing.  There’s a patch of about 10 hairs below my neck, and my partner has reported similar colonies in at least two other locations on my middle back.

The hair on my arms is short and light brown, except for one weird dark hair that appears on both of my upper arms.

Before now, I would bind my chest only occasionally using various DIY methods or with an ACE bandage.  I could never do it for long; I am so large that the material severely restricted my breathing (and yet my chest was still quite visible).

Recently, though, I was given a binder from the Big Brother Used Binder Program.  It’s a Double Front Compression Shirt (Underworks Style #997).  After some experimentation, I’ve found that the most effective and comfortable way to wear the binder is to put it on, and then to fold the binder up over itself.  This gives me twice the compression and keeps the hot, confining material off of my stomach.

While it’s much more comfortable than ACE bandages and back braces, it still hurts my back after a while, and still restricts my breathing somewhat.  Since I’m perceived as female pretty much all the time at this point, I still don’t bind very often.  I figure I’ll be comfortable now while I still can; eventually, I’ll have to bind every day.

You know, I thought it would be anti-climactic. But today feels like Christmas.

I went out for breakfast with my partner and my best friend, and we arrived at the clinic a little after noon for our 1:15pm appointment.  J, the director of the trans health initiative at the clinic handed us our prescriptions, and from there we went to the nearby Rite Aid to get them filled.

10 minutes and $105 later, I had my first vial in hand.  10mL is not a lot, for the record.  I am in awe of the potency of HRT.

My partner, J, and the nurse practitioner were all cramped into the same tiny exam room, talking about needle sizes, drawing the suspension into a syringe, and waste disposal.
The nurse practitioner taught my partner and I how to inject on each other, and said that when/if we ever decided to self-inject, we’d have no trouble doing it. We drew up the serum with an 18g needle, and then switched off for a 23g to inject. She gave my partner his shot while talking me through it. It looked really easy. Then she was going to do me and talk my partner through it.

I didn’t even feel the needle go in. I thought she’d just pressed the bevel up to my ass to show my partner where she’d be sticking it, but no, the needle was 1.5″ in my lovehandle. For the first time in her professional career, the nurse practitioner pulled out the needle, believing the syringe was empty, but there was really 1/4cc left to inject. After apologizing profusely and switching needles, my partner gave me the rest of the dose in my other butt cheek.

I’m the worst patient ever. I giggled so much that the needle was waggling around sticking out of my ass, and the nurse was laughing and pretending to be angry and my partner was kind of freaking out, which only made me laugh harder.

That was that. Another $50 and we were on our way back home. My butt is slightly achey, still. But I think that a lot of that is in my head, to be honest. An hour after the shot, I felt exhausted. I’m not sure if the adrenaline rush just went out, or if it’s my body’s strange reaction to T. I guess we’ll see. We took a 2-hour nap when we got home.

We are both on the same dose of 150mg every 14 days, but we were given the freedom to experiment with schedules and dosages until we find what’s right for us.  After a month or two, I hope to have my levels tested to see if I can’t bring it down to 50mg/week.

I’m not even worrying about subcutaneous injections at this point, because IM injection in the glute was so painless and simple.

It’s so strange to know that one of the biggest hurdles is through. That right now, chilling out in my body, testosterone is soaking into my system. That tiny bit of syrup is going to slowly change so much of my life. It made so much sense cognitively, as I researched all of this, as I saw guys further along in transition. But now that it’s in me–me–I find it really bewildering. I’m going around eating chicken sandwiches at Wendy’s and doing dishes, and my body chemistry is being completely rewired.

I feel so inside my body right now. I’m not used to paying so much attention to the way I’m feeling. I’m not sure if I’m listening for changes, for adverse reactions, for side effects, for just a general at-ease feeling. I can see how guys can think that their body is changing much faster than it really is, after so long of being dissociative, and then suddenly rocketing back into your body. It’s intense.

I’m still sleepy; I hope after a good night’s rest I won’t feel so lethargic.

By far, the most significant change this month has been my voice. I’m thrilled; a deeper voice is one of the main things I wanted out of hormone therapy. My voice has peaks and drops throughout the day, and I can’t sing to save my life. It only tends to crack, however, if I try to project my voice.

My existing facial hair seems darker and more noticeable, and the shape of my face has changed slightly. A few more hairs have showed up in the middle of my chin–the very visible gap seems to be slowly filling in. A single dark moustache hair has been spotted above the right corner of my mouth, along with increased blonde fuzz in the area. It seems that the hair I do have has been growing a good bit faster than I’m used to.

Other people have commented that my arms and back and shoulders seem bigger. I feel physically stronger, but that could just be in my head. I may be losing fat in my hips and butt, because it’s been difficult to keep my pants up lately.

I sleep all the time. I’m always hungry–in fact, I wish I had known how hungry I really would be so that we could’ve doubled our food budget. My face and body is mostly free of acne; I haven’t gotten any more than I normally would, that I can tell.

I’ve always had a very high sex drive, but I am definitely more willing to have sex, and able to have sex more often than I did pre-T. I’m not sure if this is just because my comfort level with myself is increasing, or if it’s a biological side effect of T. It may also help that my dick has grown quite a bit in the past month–it makes it easier to feel male during sex.

Sometime after my third shot, I woke up one morning and it dawned on me how good I feel now. I feel more social than I have ever since I can remember. I’m more quick to assert myself. I feel like I’m friendlier and I think I smile a lot more.

A pattern is starting to emerge in my shot cycle. A few hours after a shot, I’m incredibly tired. I usually do shots in the evening so that I can sleep 12-14 hours that night. For the first two or three days of my shot cycle my dick is hypersensitive and often painful to touch. My mood is fairly stable and good for most of my cycle, until usually the night before my next shot, when I usually notice a sharp increase in irritability, emotional sensitivity, and a sharp decrease in my energy level.

The clinic told me to listen to my body and adjust my dose and schedule slightly until I figure out what works best for me, so long as I don’t go over 200mg per 14 days. My prescription is for 150mg every 14 days, but I’ve gone to a 100mg/10 day cycle. I’m waiting for a bit to see how well this cycle works for me; if I still notice a drop-off at the end of the cycle after another month has passed, I’ll most likely change to 75mg/week.

My voice has continued to drop steadily, and I love it.  At this point, my voice is read as male fairly consistently; I’m amazed at how quickly the transformation happened.  My voice still cracks often, and my singing voice is still unreliable.  When I’m perceived as male, I think that I’m perceived as gay (which is fine with me, since I identify as bisexual).  I figure this is because of my lisp and my use of my hands when speaking.  Also, I think I unconsciously tried to use a more monotonous voice to seem more male.  Now that I don’t have to do that, my voice is much more expressive.

I must look different, because I am passing extremely often–even without binding. I need to shave at least every other day, and I have a lot more facial hair than I did two months ago. I have a peach-fuzz mustache, my chin continues to fill in and creep up towards the sides of my mouth.  My neck is super hairy; I have very visible neck whiskers if I don’t shave. Sideburn production is well underway; I’m considering growing them out in the coming month. My cheeks are growing hairs along the top edge of where my beard should be; it’s as if they’re outlining the beard before coloring it in.  I’m not having too much trouble with acne, although I usually have some on my shoulders. 

Holy crap I’m hairy. One morning in mid-November, I looked down and saw that my entire belly was covered in darkening peach fuzz. My happy trail is expanding outwards and converting those little hairs, and I don’t think it’ll be long before my tummy is completely covered. I’m getting a few more odd hairs on my chest, and I think the patch in the center of my chest is growing.  Perhaps the hair on my lower back is darker or thicker, as well.  I feel like my hair is changing texture, as well–thickening, darkening; fortunately, it’s still soft so far. The size of my shoulders and arms are still commented on every now and then.  

My sex drive is still high, and my dick has grown a lot as well.  I haven’t been able to use my front-hole for sex, though; it’s been too sensitive.  It’s not too much of a loss, though, since I had only been using it for a few months.

I have a shorter temper than I used to, and also that I am more inclined/able to express that anger than ever before.  Also, I find myself completely unable to cry.  If I’ve cried since beginning injections, I can’t remember it.  Situations and feelings that once would’ve made me cry usually register as irritation or anger.

Within a shot or two of my “one month” update, my moods and energy had leveled considerably and so I’ve kept my dose and schedule at 100mg every 10 days.  A few hours after my shots I do still tend to be very hungry and sleepy.  My mood and energy and appetite are stable, but are a good bit higher than they tended to be pre-testosterone.  Since beginning HRT, I’ve only menstruated once–a few days after my first shot.  I do cramp sometimes, and I’ve had occasional hot flashes, but that’s all I’ve heard from my reproductive system lately.

My voice changes seem to have slowed considerably; I don’t think it has changed at all in the past month. I was ill for the latter part of December and the beginning of January, and once I was no longer hoarse, I was irrationally worried that my voice had risen in pitch.

I’m thinking that perhaps my jaw is getting a bit more defined, but that could just be me being hopeful.  I’m not sure how much my facial hair has actually changed in the past month, but I have figured out a grooming plan I can deal with, thanks to an electric beard trimmer (a holiday gift from my best friend).  For most of my face, I just use the clippers without the guard, which is short enough to make it look less patchy and pitiful, but long enough to be soft rather than scratchy. I use a short guard for my goatee, because I always miss it when I shave it.  I’ve let my sideburns continue to grow, and I use the clippers without a guard to square them off.  I’ve managed to stop the acne in its tracks for now, thankfully.

I haven’t noticed any significant body fat redistribution, or any real muscle development. Colonies of hair, though, are popping up left and right, especially just below the back of my neck–it’s gross, really. My chest hasn’t gotten much new hair that I’ve noticed, but my belly continues to get fuzzier. My feet and toes are also getting hairy. I have a small patch of 8 or 9 dark hairs on my upper right arm (where I had only a single dark hair pre-testosterone).

My sex drive has definitely lowered lately, and I’m not sure why. My appreciation for bodies and people remains high, and my self-esteem is okay. But sex (especially being touched) has become much less of a priority, and I feel like I can either take it or leave it, and that I’d usually much rather take a nap or read.  It could possibly have to do with the fact that I am incredibly self-conscious about my chest. If I thought that taking T would help make the wait for top surgery more bearable, I was sadly mistaken.

I’ve noticed, and people have commented, that my moods are very level.  I’ve always been incredibly grounded, but these days I can occasionally come across as stoic.  It’s not a change I like, but it’s definitely true that I am much, much less emotional. I also tend to speak less, although I am still much more social than I ever was pre-T.

I’m still on the same schedule and dosage, and I’m still hungry and sleepy for the first day or so afterwards.  Hot flashes have almost disappeared, and there’s no sign of menstruation, thankfully.

My voice reads consistently as male at this point.  On the rare occasions when my voice (over phone or intercom) is read as female, I suspect that it has more to do with my female-patterned and expressive speech than on my actual pitch.  Oh well–I refuse to be monotone.

I feel like my face has started to lose some of the puffiness it’s had for a few months, and I’m so very relieved by that.  I’m getting a few more mustache hairs, and my cheeks have more fuzz on them.  More of the same, really.

Since I haven’t been working out as I’d planned, there hasn’t been an increase in muscle mass.  My chest and stomach are definitely hairier, and a few more odd hairs have shown up on my back (!!!). The hair on the tops of my feet and arms has definitely gotten longer and darker, too.

My sex drive is still lower than when I first started my transition.  My dick has probably quadrupled in size, and I’ve had a harder time getting used to it than I thought I would.  It still throws me off whenever I see it or touch it, and I’m strangely self-conscious about it.  I’m hoping this will change for the better soon as well.

Over the past month or so, I’ve had to accept that there are some things about being on testosterone that I don’t like.  It was hard to do, considering what I went through to begin HRT.  I’ve had to accept that I experience emotion differently, and it’s harder for me to talk about my feelings.  I’ve been making a conscious effort to try to be more at home in my mind and body.  It seems to be working, since I’ve been able to cry again, and I’m having an easier time with verbal and textual communication.

Not too much has changed for me in this past month.  I’ve been consistently perceived as male for more than three months now. My voice changes seem to have stopped for the moment, which I’m a little disappointed about.

My mustache is coming in painfully slowly.  My goatee is creeping up my chin, and my neck beard runs from one ear to the other (I keep it clipped as short as possible).  I still have only a small amount of acne, although there’s an occasional breakout.

I’m hairy as hell; I haven’t been minding it as much lately, but since it’s getting warm, I’ll probably be more self-conscious about it soon.  Fat migration is definitely in full swing, as all of the fat in my body seems to have concentrated in my stomach.  Acne on my back and shoulders is an issue, and it’s much-aggravated by my binder.  Not binding is simply not an option anymore, so I’m concerned about how I’m going to handle binding during the intense heat of summer.

I took some measurements and compared them to measurements I took before starting HRT.  I’ve gained an inch in my neck and two inches in my shoulders.  My biceps are half an inch bigger than before, and my chest (under-bust measurement) has gained two inches.  I’ve gained an inch in my waist, but lost an inch in my hips.  Finally, I’ve gained an inch in my thigh.  With the exception of my waist, all gains appear to be muscle.  My shoe size has also remained the same, although I had hoped my feet would grow a bit (as rumors suggested they might).

In the past month, I’ve grown slightly more comfortable with my dick, but have been battling weight/body issues. I feel fat, although I don’t think I’ve gained much (if any) weight over these past months.  At the same time, people have commented that I seem to be losing weight, from my butt and legs especially.  I know this is part of the process, and I know that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, especially because the extra weight in my gut helps hide my chest.

Another very eventful month in my personal life, but life on the transition front is still pretty boring.  My partner had been doing my injections, but as of this past month, I’ve been self-injecting in the glute.  It involves a bit of contortion, but it’s worth it to know that I’m managing my own healthcare.

I’m almost positive that my jawline is more defined.  My facial hair comes in faster now, and it’s still pleasantly soft.  I have to clipper my mustache these days, along with my cheeks and neck-beard, because my whiskers are all quite noticeable.  I’ve noticed that more and more of my facial hair is coming in red; I don’t know whether to attribute this to my Irish/Scottish heritage, or to my spending more time outside now that it’s warm.

A few days back, I gave in and clippered my torso to about .25 inches.  I suspect that I’ll have to get a lot better at manscaping, since there’s no indication that the growth will stop any time soon.  I’m starting to get more noticeable hair on my chest, and my belly fur has spread out and now covers most of the available acreage.  On the back-ne front, I’ve been trying wearing an undershirt underneath my binder (per internet recommendations), and I’m waiting to report on the results of this tactic.

I seem to be getting back a wider range of emotions. I’m able to cry, at least a little bit, when I’m sad. I accept that it’ll never be the same as it was pre-T, though. I may not be as able to express my grief and sadness these days, but I am much better able to expess anger and frustration. To me, it seems to be a fair enough trade.

I’m sure now that my face is changing shape again.  I have something that resembles a jawline, and my cheekbones are visible.  I seem to be rapidly losing more of the puffiness that appeared in the first months.  My facial hair continues to do its thing–really slowly.

The back-ne isn’t quite so bad these days, but my shoulders are still in a constant state of breaking out.  I’ve been losing some weight lately.  At my last doctor’s appointment, I weighed 195lbs (at my first, I was 200.4lbs); I wish I had a pre-T weight, but in general it’s not particularly healthy for me to keep scales around.

I got health insurance through my job in the last month.  For the first time in a long, long time, I have access to medical care. I got an eye exam and glasses, and I have a primary care provider who has taken over my testosterone prescription and prescribed me Wellbutrin, which has been working wonderfully. He also is willing to help try different avenues to get my insurance to cover my top surgery, and the situation is such that I may be able to afford surgery in a matter of months rather than years.

On my first doctor’s visit, I had my T levels checked for the first time. It was the 6th day of my cycle, and my levels were at 334.  When I came back on the 9th day of my cycle, my levels were tested again, and they were at 422. I’m not exactly what could’ve caused me to have a higher level at the end of my cycle than at the middle, but I wonder if it could be the introduction of Wellbutrin. Either way, my levels are lower than I expected, so I don’t anticipate lowering my dose any time soon. Apparently, all of my blood work is normal, including my cholesterol, and my blood pressure is fine.

This past month, a newly post-op guy from Livejournal FTM mailed me a bag full of his old binding materials.  Until this point, I’ve only had a single binder from the Big Brother Used Binder Program.  I now have two more Underworks Double Front Compression Shirts (Style #997), and an Underworks Tri-Top (Style #983).  While the DFCS is the most effective method I’ve tried, the Tri-Top is one of the most comfortable.  I wear it when I work out, or with loose t-shirts to give my back a break.

While the back-ne has been mitigated somewhat thanks to the new binders, the shoulder-ne is disgusting, and hasn’t seemed to improve despite my best efforts.  I worked out three times a week pretty consistently; unfortunately, I’ve had to stop because of binder-related back pain and asthma. I weighed myself a few days ago, and I was 187. People have commented on my weight loss, and I’ve noticed myself–it’s hard not to, though, since my pants keep falling off at inconvenient times.  I actually like working out, and I can’t wait until I can enjoy it without the pain of binding.

Binding is really starting to take a toll on my back, and I’m too uncomfortable to leave the house unbound, even though I still pass.  For example, I went to get a smoothie a week or so ago in only a sports bra and a loose polo.  While I was still gendered correctly, the cashier was obviously staring and thinking that two breast-shaped aliens would explode from my chest at any moment.

I also went to a birthday party that was drag-themed, and I wore a cup bra and a ridiculous poofy dress. I even stayed costumed for quite some time, which means I was in a dress for longer than I have been since I can remember. I wouldn’t have been able to do that even two months ago, so I feel it speaks to my increased confidence and comfort.

I’ve been having a harder time self-injecting lately. I’ve never had to put off a shot or anything, but I’m not really able to think about what I’m doing until after the needle is in my muscle. I’m not afraid of needles, so I’m thinking it’s that I’m upset at the idea of having to do this type of maintenance for the rest of my life.  Once I have surgery and change all my documents, I’ll be able to stop thinking about gender and transition all the time… except for a reminder every 10 days.  I am disappointed that the FDA has put off approving Nebido (a 3-month long shot of T that’s been used in Canada and Europe for a few years now) for up to two years.

I should probably shave my face these days, instead of just using my beard trimmer without a guard. My stubble is always visible, so I never look particularly professional. I’m just not ready for all that maintenance! Also, I don’t want to aggravate my skin any more, since I’m trying to keep the acne at bay. Fortunately, this isn’t an issue at my job.

Voice Clip : 10 Months HRT

The acne on my back and shoulders still seems to be slowly improving. I think my furriness is becoming an important part of my self image–probably a good thing considering how hairy I’m becoming. I was really unsettled earlier this month when I had to clipper my chest and stomach for pre-op photos for my surgeon and insurance company–without my fur, my body felt significantly more female than it has in a long, long time. I clippered my leg hair on a whim and noticed how much more defined my muscles are these days.

My sex drive is quite high these days, and I am enjoying front-hole sex for the first time since I began HRT. I’ve also noticed some fairly significant dick growth over this past month.

I moved into a new place recently, and I was shocked at how much stronger I am than I was pre-T. I hadn’t noticed too much of an increase in strength after the first month; I guess it was a gradual change. I have definitely become more able to lift and carry heavy things for a longer period of time, and I recover from exertion a lot faster than I did prior to HRT.

Also, I visited my therapist to ask her for a letter for surgery when the time comes, and to check in. She agrees that I have no need for therapy at this point in my life, but that I’ll keep checking in with her on occasion. When I get insurance approval for surgery, we’ll meet again to discuss the specifics of my letter.

I scheduled my chest surgery for just over two months from now! I’ve made a gigantic paper chain counting down the days.

I’m still not shaving, although it’s purely obstinance that’s keeping me from it. I always look scruffy, and I should really be using the beard trimmer every day.  There are a couple of darkening hairs outlining where my “soul patch” will eventually be, and the hair on my cheeks is darkening a bit more, though it’s nowhere near as thick as the hair elsewhere on my face. I did notice a while back, however, that I have one or two hairs on the upper part of my left cheekbone.  Creepy.

I feel much more solid these days. Especially in my arms, I feel that my muscles are more defined, although I haven’t been working out. There are a few hairs showing up on the backs of my hands, and my chest and belly fur is filling in quickly.  The acne is gross, but I think I’m just going to have to accept some level of it for a while, until my puberty has run its course.

I’ve been fairly comfortable in my body, most of the time. I am more comfortable being shirtless and/or without a binder around my closer friends, so long as I am in my house. Binding, of course, is incredibly physically and mentally painful. But I have found myself more and more comfortable with my partner touching my chest–I’ve even enjoyed it. I think this is partly because I know that my partner sees my chest as a male chest, and my breasts as simply a part of my body. Also, I resent my chest less than I ever have. I think that they’ve always been the point upon which I fixed all of my body dysphoria– for whatever reason, they’ve been the symbol of my femaleness. But, now, they just feel out-of-place and vestigial. They’re uncomfortable, but not because they make me female, or because they make me appear female (to myself or to anyone else), but rather because of the huge disconnect between them and the rest of my body. I look–I am–male. I just also have breasts, and I relate to them in what I imagine is a similar way that cissexual men with gynecomastia relate to their chests. While I am as certain as I possibly can be that I won’t regret having chest surgery, I’ll admit that it was much easier to send these guys to their deaths when I hated them.

My sex drive remains high, and I find myself attracted to more and more types of people. Most notably, I am increasingly attracted to more masculine-appearing men (beards, body hair, broad/square body types) and to feminine-appearing women (I am suddenly intrigued by long hair). The total number of people in any given room that I will find attractive has increased, too.

I haven’t noticed any significant changes in months. These days, it’s mostly just waiting for patches of hair to fill in. 

Speaking of patches, my soul patch has probably doubled in size in the past month, giving it about 12 hairs under my chin, with about 8 more rising up from my chin to meet it. My mustache is coming in at about the same rate, with random hairs getting longer, then turning darker and thicker. My cheeks are still ever-so-slowly filling in. My facial acne is still concentrated in the areas where new facial hairs are thinking about sprouting; most of my problems are on my lower cheeks and my upper lip.

I feel like my belly is changing shape lately. I’ve had a pot belly ever since I can remember but now it’s getting more pot-like, and reminding more and more of my father’s and my uncles’ bellies. I’m quite self-conscious about it, and I’m incredibly worried that it’ll be even harder after surgery, because it’ll be more noticeable to me. I’ve still got some acne on my shoulders, after a brief period of improvement. My dick has gotten a good bit thicker, too. As far as body hair goes, my chest and stomach are covered, and it looks like I’m going to get more hair on the backs of my hands soon.

Another shot day.  It feels like it’s every fucking day.  If Nebido (or whatever they’re going to call testosterone undecanoate, since the FDA has decided that “Nebido” is an unsuitable name) is approved on September 2, and if it’s available right then (obviously not the case), then I’ll have 10 shots left, including today’s.

I wonder how long it takes for newly-approved drugs to be covered by insurance companies.  I can only imagine how much each dose will/would cost me out-of-pocket.

But whatever it is, I’d find a way to pay it.  An 8-12 week shot cycle.  Can you imagine?!  That is–at minimum–two months without having to do the grunt work of maintaining this body.

I wonder sometimes, about what would happen if I just stopped doing shots.  Would I lose my beard?  My back hair?  Would my voice rise a bit?  Would I lose some of my belly?  Would I get weaker?  Would my anxiety increase?  Would I have a regular period?

I don’t know if I could handle menstruating again.  I didn’t mind it too much when I did it every month, but now the idea freaks me out, kind of a lot.

If a long-lasting injection isn’t an option, I’ve been looking into TestoPel, which is the only FDA approved testosterone pellet.  The only doctors who do it nearby are urologists.  They’re covered by my insurance, but I don’t know whether they would be willing to treat a trans male patient.  It would be quite expensive, considering I’d have to have a lot of blood work done at first, plus whatever the cost of the medication is and the cost of the procedure.  I’m going to get as much information as I can, though, because more options is better.  Supposedly, each dose can last up to 6 months.

Options like this would, I think, improve my quality of life significantly.

I finally feel like the bulk of my transition is behind me.  I’m moving on with my life, and trans-related stuff is taking a backseat to other things.

I’m finally back in school, working towards an Associate’s Degree in Nursing at my local technical college.  My tuition and fees are covered by scholarships and the Pell Grant, and my Granny is giving me extra money each month so that I can afford to work less hours and go to school full-time.  I’ve not disclosed my trans status to anybody at school, and it’s been a really affirming and amazing experience so far.

I’m planning on writing a post at some point about my changing attitudes towards disclosure/non-disclosure.

I think that over the past few months, my body has changed some–it’s barely perceptible, but I’ve noticed.  My voice has lowered somewhat.  My usual speaking voice hasn’t changed, but I’m able to talk in a deeper register more comfortably these days.  Also, I’m able to hit lower notes when I’m singing now than I could a few months ago.

The hair above and below my lips is starting to fill in more darkly.  I should have a full beard before long.  These days, I tend to wear a short beard, with my mustache and “soul patch” shaved off.  I think it suits me pretty well–much better than the sideburns/goatee thing I wore for so long.  The beard is somehow more feminine, and I like the way it looks combined with my hair, which I’m growing out.

I got the results back from the lab work I had done in late September on the 4th day of my 10-day shot cycle; my serum testosterone level was 314 ng/dL, which is on the lower end of normal.  I’ve been on 100mg every 10 days for my entire time on HRT, so I’ve decided to experiment with a  140mg/10-day cycle (which is pretty close to the standard dose of 200mg/14-days) to see if I experience an increase in energy or a more stable mood.  I’ve only done one dose this way so far, so we’ll see how it goes.

After 26 months on a 10-day injection cycle, I’ve decided to switch to a 14-day schedule.  The few shots that I’ve missed have never had a noticeable effect on me, and I feel like my body is pretty stable… so, I figure, the fewer shots, the better.  I’ve had more than 80 shots since 2007.

Aveed (the new name for Nebido/testosterone undecanoate) is still stuck in FDA limbo, and I’ve slowly started to prefer the idea of the implant to long-term injections.  Namely, Testopel would minimize highs and lows in my testosterone levels, and after the initial start-up cost, I suspect that the cost and maintenance would be about equal to (if not less than) Aveed or Cypionate.

However, I’m waiting to explore these options until this summer, when things with school and work have calmed down significantly.  If the doctor in my area won’t treat me, I’m fairly positive that the urologist in the next town over will.