Medalie has been my first choice since I began researching top surgery procedures.  The results I’ve seen are fantastic, especially on patients with similar body types to mine.  I like the position and results of the nipple grafts, and I like the contour of his incision lines.

Mentor, OH : pre-op

Once I get back, I’ve been approved for 6 weeks of paid disability leave.  While money will be tight, this will give me the opportunity to travel during K’s semester break, spending part of the holiday season with his family, and part with my family (who live several hundred miles away, making our visits rare).  I’ll be returning to work on January 5th, if everything goes according to plan.

Dr. Medalie’s secretary Valerie was fantastic about answering emails promptly, answering all of my questions, and helping me navigate things with my insurance company.  During our phone consultation, Dr. Medalie was really helpful–and I had a lot of questions.  Here are some of the highlights:

My best friend E will be taking care of me for the time I will be here in Ohio.  Our hotel is small and simple, with two full-sized beds, a TV, a table and chairs, and a kitchenette.  It’s warm, though, thankfully; it’s freezing here.

Surgery is only a few hours away.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep.  It occurred to me that I’m going to bind tomorrow morning for the drive to the surgery center… where they’ll 1) know that I’ve got boobs, and 2) be cutting them off.  Body dysphoria is weird.

Only recently have I been worrying about the results.  It’s the first time I’ve wished that I could come out of this with a “flawless” male chest.  It’s hard knowing my chest won’t be perfect.  I’m chubby and will probably have dogears because of that fact.  I may never feel parts of my chest again.  If it was just the scars, I could probably handle it a lot better–I’ll be furry enough soon that nobody will ever know anyway.  My nipples will probably never respond to touch or hot and cold.  It’s sad that I have to trade nipples I am self-conscious about for nipples that I will probably still be self-conscious about.

The surgeon came in and we all made small talk while he drew on my chest in a purple marker.  I felt self-conscious of having E and some stranger seeing my bare chest, even though I knew it was silly.

Then, E went out to the waiting room, and the anesthesiologist came in to speak to me.  I was joking with him that, instead of being nervous about the surgery itself, I was more worried about the IV, since I figured I wouldn’t really feel anything after that anyway.

He said that, if I liked, I could just go back to the operating room, and I could be gassed on the operating table.  I was actually really curious about how the OR would look, so I walked back, trying to keep my bare ass covered by the gown.  It was pretty small, and clean, and there was a big table in the middle of it for me.  It had a big leather strap, which I assume was to strap my legs down; that made me nervous, so I stopped thinking about it.

I hopped up onto the operating table and laid my head back.  One of the nurses put these really warm things around my legs, presumably to improve circulation.  Then a mask was put over my face, and they turned on the gas–which smelled pretty gross.  I started to get really nervous, so I began to silently chant “Nam Myoho Renge Kyo”.  I made it through two of them, was too tired to start another, mumbled something to the nurse, and then nothing.

I think I woke up once in recovery, registered that I was alive and that I wasn’t in pain, exchanged a few words with a really nice nurse, and went back to sleep.  The next time I woke up, E was next to me.  He told me that the whole surgery had taken almost exactly two hours, and that Dr. Medalie had come out afterwards and told him that it was “a piece of cake”.  I think a little bit more pain medicine was given to me intravenously, and I was given two Vicodin.  I was really freaked out by the IV, and I was glad when it was taken out.

Soon after that, E helped me get back into my clothes and helped me put my body jewelry back in.  I waited for him to pull the car up to the door and help me outside and into the car.  I had never felt so tired in my life and I was freezing cold.  I remained awake for the entire drive back to Mentor (around 45 minutes, I think), because I was terrified of us getting into a car wreck and my chest being damaged.

I spent the rest of that first day sleeping in four hour shifts, only waking up to use the bathroom, empty my drains, and take more Vicodin. I noticed a rapidly purpling bruise peeking out of my post-surgical vest on the back left side, up by my armpit.  It was the only place I felt pain, because the foam that was between the binder and my chest stuck out a little on that side and would press into the bruise whenever I put my   My throat hurt massively, presumably from the breathing tube.

I drained 30cc on each side. The fluid smells disgusting. It’s pinkish red, and often has a film of transparent clear liquid on top.

I can’t really wrap my mind around the fact that underneath this binder and the foam, there aren’t any boobs. I’ll never see those boobs again. I look an uncomfortable lot like a sausage in this binder.

I took something to help me poop, because apparently pain killers make one constipated. I also picked up some arnica gel for the bruise on my left side. E is putting it on me when we empty the drains.

Also, arnica gel totally works. My bruise is already several shades lighter than it was yesterday. When I woke up this morning, I hadn’t drained much, except my left side drain had 15mL of disgusting yellowish fluid (lymph?) in it.

I feel physically a lot better; I’m awake for longer periods at a time, and feeling less queasy. My throat still hurts horribly, and my torso is a bit sore, but I’m not in any pain, really.

Getting in and out of bed without using my arms is difficult. My abdominals are getting quite a workout these days.

My throat hurts and my chest keeps tingling weirdly–the nerves are reconnecting, I guess. The drains are driving me insane, but my left side is still draining about 30cc per day.

I did poop today, though. Supposedly, that’s a good thing. But I’d almost rather be constipated; it’s really difficult to reach around and wipe my own ass.

Cognitively, I know that surgery is over. But I can’t see my chest yet, so it doesn’t feel real. It just seems like I’m feeling really shitty and out-of-it, and surgery hasn’t happened yet.

And then sometimes, it sinks in briefly, and I get excited at the prospect of looking normal in a few weeks.

E and I went out again, and someone asked for my ID when I presented my card, since I don’t look like I could be [birth name]. But, I haven’t been able to afford to change my name yet, so I’ll just have to keep making that Johnny Cash joke for a while longer.

At one point during the weekend, the toilet in our room pretty much exploded. The hotel staff couldn’t find their plunger (?!), so we were just moved next door.

After finding our way to the right waiting room, we waited for what seemed like forever. Then, we were taken back by Andrea, the nurse, and she undid the binder without much fanfare. I felt really delicate and exposed.

Then, she ripped off the foam. It was the most painful part of the whole surgery experience, and it was painful. Very, very painful. In the middle of my chest, I didn’t feel much, but on either side, under my armpits, I was very sensitive, and it was excruciating. I cursed, felt dizzy and nauseous, and lost a good bit of my chest hair.

Next, she removed the surgical tape, which didn’t hurt at all. And my chest was just… there.

first look at my new chest

I’m not going to lie: I freaked out. I had to lie back, and I was brought some water. Andrea was worried that I regretted having surgery, but I didn’t. It was just shocking. And it smelled bad, and it looked so raw, and like my chest was barely being held together. Andrea left me and E alone for a few minutes while she found another nurse to help her remove my drains, because she wanted to remove them both at the same time.

The drain removal itself wasn’t too bad. Andrea pulled out the right side, and I didn’t feel it at all. The other nurse didn’t do as good of a job, and I felt a sharp pain at the end and bled a little bit.

And that was it. I was given further instructions, and shown how to dress my incisions and my nipples, and helped back into my binder, which fit much, much more loosely than it had with all that foam under it. Then, I wobbled back to the car.

On the way to the airport, E and I stopped at a Goodwill, where he helped me try on some shirts, some of which I bought. Everything fit beautifully! We returned the car and waited for our flight to board. Our flight ended up being delayed for a few hours, and the plane was pretty small. By the time we landed, I was grumpy and aching and exhausted, but I was home!

K was waiting for me, and he ran up to me and hugged me (gingerly) as soon as he saw me. It was so great to see him again. It reminded me that I still have 5 more weeks off of work to heal, and spend time with him over the holidays.  We had dinner with E and his partner, and then K took me home.

My first shower felt great, but it was unsettling. I was really nervous about taking off the binder, and about K seeing my chest. He was a lot more comfortable with my chest than I was, and he helped me get the binder off, take off the bandages, and got me into the shower. He washed my hair and my back and arms, and then left me to spend some time with my chest. The shower helped a little; I felt more composed and a little calmer when he helped me put the Bacitracin on my incisions and nipples and helped get me re-bound.

I know I needed this surgery; I know I didn’t want breasts. I feel great whenever I have my clothes on. Without my binder on, though, I feel really disconnected from my chest, and really scared. I hope this gets better.

8 days post-op

I hung out with some folks without my binder on, while it was washed. I left the stuff over my nipples, and then took those off right before I re-dressed them. I feel much more in my body.

Today, when I was changing the dressings and showering, I noticed that it does seem like it’s my skin holding my chest together, and not just the sutures, skin glue, and my binder. I’m feeling a lot more connected to my chest, as evidenced by the fact that I didn’t feel queasy while I was unbound and a little afterward. Anxiety and nausea without my binder has been persistent over the past few days.

Meanwhile, I have been perfecting the art of bandages. Four maxi pads seem to do the trick, and between me and K rearranging them, I can get them in a pretty comfortable place. The super-long “heavy flow” pads seem to be thick enough to make me feel safe, and keep me bound tight.

8 days post-op : left side

9 days post-op : left nipple

8 days post-op : right side

9 days post-op : right nipple

I could drive as of yesterday.  I’ve also been able to have sex, thanks to creative positioning.

My incisions are narrow, smooth, and pink.

My left areola has almost completely peeled, and it’s that creepy pink color.  My right areola just started shedding that disgusting, gooey grey scab/skin in the shower today, and it’s probably 1/3 pink.  I really hope that after this initial peel, there is no more scabbing/peeling.

The maxi pad bandages drive me absolutely up the wall.  After an hour or so, they itch like mad.  I’ve been spending an increasing amount of time outside of the binder between dressing changes.  So, today, I’m giving myself a break.  I’m covering my nipples, of course, but I’m going to leave off the binder for a few hours.  If I hurt or swell up, then I’ll put it back on.  Otherwise, I think I can handle binding at night and in the evening, but letting my skin breathe in the mornings and afternoons.

Sleeping in my binder and on my back is making me breathe funny–sleep apnea style.  I haven’t been able to fall asleep as fast or stay asleep for long enough since surgery, because I usually sleep on my stomach or on my side.  I’ve almost constructed a way to sleep kinda sorta partially on my side, by putting a pillow under half of my back.  It’s pathetic, but it helps.    

I just went to brunch with K wearing only nipple gauze and some loose shirts.  I felt like I’d left the house without pants.  And kind of angry and mournful about binding and breasts and access to surgery.  It’s so simple to just throw (or gently wrestle) on a shirt and go out.  It’s so painless.

I’m so glad that I’m post-op, even though my chest still freaks me out in its wound-like state, with its numb areas and hypersensitivity, and its limiting effect on my range of motion and reach.  But it’s the best result I’ve seen so far, especially on a chubby guy.  Maybe I only think that because it’s mine, but I think that’s valid.

It’s amazing to think that my medical transition is basically over, since I have no plans for a hysterectomy or genital surgery at this point in time.  I still have to change all my documents over, but that seems really minor after the past year.

3 weeks post-op

I stopped using the binder at 17 days post-op; I couldn’t take it anymore.  There’s still some swelling in places and some occasional fluid seeps through what’s left of my scabs.  On my side of the bed, there are little spots of blood and chest goop.

I’m having reactions to the sutures still.  They’re coming to the surface and poking out of the incisions, where I grab them and try to slide them out.  I pulled out like 3″ of suture from my left side a few days ago–which is a record length.  It was awesome and disgusting.

My incisions are thin, but getting redder, which is supposedly normal.  The scars are supposed to be at their reddest and hardest from now until 3 months post-op.K has been great about helping me with scar treatment.  He rubs shea butter on my chest and nipples twice a day.  At first, he was doing it because I was too freaked out by my chest to even look at it. Nowadays, it’s become something of a sweet romantic gesture.

Nowadays, I can sleep on my side fairly comfortably, so long as I can get my arms and the end of my incision in the right place.  I’m almost comfortable on my belly.

I am so happy with my chest.  It still freaks me out occasionally, but it’s becoming really rare these days.  I love just throwing on a shirt and leaving the house.  And being able to take off my shirt and not be indecent.  And the way I look in shirts, giant belly or not.

I’m just not stressed when I leave the house anymore.  I’m not in physical pain all the time from binding.  I feel happier than I’ve felt since I can remember.  Now, I’m just waiting anxiously to see the final contour of my chest, and waiting for sensation to come back in a couple of areas that are still holding out.

It’s the best decision I’ve ever made.

3 weeks post-op : left side

3 weeks post-op : left nipple

3 weeks post-op : right side

3 weeks post-op : right nipple