3 Years on Testosterone
voice clip : 3 years

It’s hard to believe how much my life has changed in the past four years.  Then, I could barely leave my house sometimes because of my anxiety and depression.  I couldn’t seem to keep a job, and I was losing hope that I would ever find a way to finish my education.  I hated my body and was struggling with the realization that I needed to transition.

While I still struggle with anxiety and depression, it is nothing like it once was for me.  I am able to get out of bed and function in society pretty much every day.  Just as importantly, I’m about to bounce back from the brief periods where I do have trouble functioning.  I have had the same job for almost three years.  I’ve been accepted into my college’s highly competitive nursing program, and will start the curriculum in about a week.  I still struggle with body dysphoria and the knowledge that there are still steps I need to take to correct it.  While I am not completely at peace with my body, I can honestly say that I love it, and myself as a whole.

My body hasn’t changed much in the past year.  It’s a bit furrier all over, and that’s the biggest change.  I’ve got a good bit on my back, and my tummy fur is darker, thicker, and a bit longer, though I think it looks better and less random than it did before.  I keep most of my body hair clippered. The backs of my hands have a little bit of hair on them now, but it’s hardly noticeable–my arms aren’t very hairy.

facial hair after 3-ish years HRT

My facial hair continues to do its thing.  It’s getting thicker and fuller, and filling in the blanks.  It’s going slowly, but it is happening.  I still keep a short beard, though lately I’ve been less meticulous about shaving the hair around my mouth, even though it’s not really “there” yet.  Since I’ve been so lax, though, I do have a picture to show you my facial hair development at this point.

Before testosterone, I could grow patchy sideburns and two thick patches on my chin.  I knew some guys who envied me for being fairly hairy pre-testosterone.  It might have been some consolation for them had they known that it doesn’t seem to have given me much more than a short-term advantage.  I have more hair than many cissexual men my age, and less than some who have been on HRT a much shorter time.  Fortunately, I am still young enough that my facial hair pattern is pretty typical, and it’s acceptable (if not exactly stylish) for twentysomethings to grow shitty proto-beards in my area.

Most of what I talked about here remains true for me.  I still haven’t disclosed to anybody at school, and I still have no plans to.  When trying on uniforms, I’ve been shirtless with other men in my program, and my chest either went unnoticed or unmentioned.  A few times, it’s come up that I give myself shots to maintain a normal testosterone level.  I’ve never needed to lie or contort the truth; I don’t have to fabricate stories.  I just don’t say “I was assigned female at birth.” and it’s that simple.

Unless something major changes, I absolutely intend to live an increasingly “stealth” life.  I feel more at-ease and friendly with acquaintances who don’t know I’m trans than with those who do.  I feel like I have a more professional relationship with those coworkers with whom I’ve never discussed it.

Basing a community around the assumption that I naturally belong in a category or community with other people who are trans/have transitioned is not only longer useful for me, but it actually seems to hold me back.  Having an area of my life in which I am completely “stealth” has made it easier for me to focus on other things.  I withdrew from spaces where the only uniting force among participants was the idea of transness.  I’ve funneled that extra free time into my hobbies, mainly reading and riding my bicycle.  Besides, most of my time and energy will soon be spent studying and working.

I’ve also become fairly confident that my future holds a hysterectomy (with the removal of one ovary, if not both of them) and radial forearm free flap phalloplasty, but that is the subject of another post.

March 2010

June 2010

June 2010 : almost 4 months off HRT

• I was feeling really burnt out on doing shots.
• I needed to find out if HRT was something that was necessary for me to feel right, or if I felt better without it, or somewhere in between.
• I wanted to confirm emotionally what I already knew cognitively–that my being perceived correctly (as male) isn’t tied to my maintaining normal testosterone levels.
• I didn’t want to elevate testosterone above other medications.  While it made my transition possible, at this point it mostly serves a maintenance function in my life and in my body.
• I was curious about the physical and emotional effects of discontinuing HRT, and how I would feel about them.  I wanted to know (to the extent that I could) what changes in my personality over the past few years were exclusively related to HRT.

I never noticed a drop-off.  It happened so slowly, I suppose, that I just never noticed.  I was neither more nor less tired.  I didn’t experience any spikes in dysphoria, anxiety, or depression.

Physically, I didn’t notice much in the way of changes.  My speaking voice didn’t change, although I found it easier to access higher notes when singing, and my falsetto range got better.  My facial and body hair grew just as fast and thick as it usually did, and might have continued to fill in.  I did notice that my skin was softer.

Of course, as I hardly noticed anything, certainly nobody else did.  I didn’t “de-transition” in any way.

My sex drive was definitely lower, though it certainly didn’t disappear.   I wasn’t as into porn, either.  There was no change in my erections.  There were some changes in scent and lubrication.

Overall, I was really into not being on HRT.  I felt less surly, and more emotional, though I think part of that was that I felt so happy not to be doing shots.  It was freeing not to have to think about it, not to have to do it.

Eventually, though, the freedom was replaced by anxiety over when I would menstruate.  I thought about that part of my body more than usual, and I was really dreading the event.  I began thinking about hysterectomy, so that I wouldn’t have to worry about menstruating, or about exams.

When I did eventually menstruate, I was pretty freaked out about it.  It didn’t feel right or tolerable.  I didn’t like the way my body felt, and I felt irritated and mad that I even knew what it was like to have a period.  The inconvenience and angst of menstruation (and of waiting for it to show up) definitely surpassed the inconvenience and angst about shots, so I gave myself a dose the day after i started my period.

That period was about 4 days long.  It took me a few shots before I got back on a regular schedule (I averaged a shot every 3 weeks).  Eventually, though, I started spotting when I was late.  I gave myself a shot then, prevented a full-blown period, and have been consistent with my dose since then.

I also noticed nothing when I began doing my shots again, except my sex drive fluctuates more with my shot cycle than it did before.  I figure that once my body adjusts and my trough t levels don’t go below the normal range, I won’t notice a difference.

On the whole, I’m glad that I discontinued HRT for a while.  As a result, I know that in the future I’ll probably want a low/no-maintenance endocrine system.  Switching to the Testopel implant would be one solution.

Another solution (most likely in addition to the above) might be a hysterectomy, either without salpingo-oophorectomy (removal of ovaries and Fallopian tubes), or leaving one ovary intact.  In theory, that would allow me to discontinue testosterone therapy either temporarily or permanently in the future, if I desire.  Leaving at least one functional ovary might prevent any loss of bone density from lack of sex hormone, although it comes with risk.

I particularly like the option of leaving an ovary intact.  A hysterectomy would be required for the phalloplasty procedure I’m considering, because it requires vaginectomy.

Aveed (the new name for Nebido/testosterone undecanoate) is still stuck in FDA limbo, and I’ve slowly started to prefer the idea of the implant to long-term injections.  Namely, Testopel would minimize highs and lows in my testosterone levels, and after the initial start-up cost, I suspect that the cost and maintenance would be about equal to (if not less than) Aveed or Cypionate.

However, I’m waiting to explore these options until this summer, when things with school and work have calmed down significantly.  If the doctor in my area won’t treat me, I’m fairly positive that the urologist in the next town over will.

21 Months on Testosterone
voice clip : 1.5 years
voice clip : 2 years

I’m finally back in school, working towards an Associate’s Degree in Nursing at my local technical college.  My tuition and fees are covered by scholarships and the Pell Grant, and my Granny is giving me extra money each month so that I can afford to work less hours and go to school full-time.  I’ve not disclosed my trans status to anybody at school, and it’s been a really affirming and amazing experience so far.

I’m planning on writing a post at some point about my changing attitudes towards disclosure/non-disclosure.

I think that over the past few months, my body has changed some–it’s barely perceptible, but I’ve noticed.  My voice has lowered somewhat.  My usual speaking voice hasn’t changed, but I’m able to talk in a deeper register more comfortably these days.  Also, I’m able to hit lower notes when I’m singing now than I could a few months ago.

The hair above and below my lips is starting to fill in more darkly.  I should have a full beard before long.  These days, I tend to wear a short beard, with my mustache and “soul patch” shaved off.  I think it suits me pretty well–much better than the sideburns/goatee thing I wore for so long.  The beard is somehow more feminine, and I like the way it looks combined with my hair, which I’m growing out.

I got the results back from the lab work I had done in late September on the 4th day of my 10-day shot cycle; my serum testosterone level was 314 ng/dL, which is on the lower end of normal.  I’ve been on 100mg every 10 days for my entire time on HRT, so I’ve decided to experiment with a  140mg/10-day cycle (which is pretty close to the standard dose of 200mg/14-days) to see if I experience an increase in energy or a more stable mood.  I’ve only done one dose this way so far, so we’ll see how it goes.

13 Months on Testosterone

14 Months on Testosterone

1 Year on Testosterone
voice clip : 1 year

Speaking of patches, my soul patch has probably doubled in size in the past month, giving it about 12 hairs under my chin, with about 8 more rising up from my chin to meet it. My mustache is coming in at about the same rate, with random hairs getting longer, then turning darker and thicker. My cheeks are still ever-so-slowly filling in. My facial acne is still concentrated in the areas where new facial hairs are thinking about sprouting; most of my problems are on my lower cheeks and my upper lip.

I feel like my belly is changing shape lately. I’ve had a pot belly ever since I can remember but now it’s getting more pot-like, and reminding more and more of my father’s and my uncles’ bellies. I’m quite self-conscious about it, and I’m incredibly worried that it’ll be even harder after surgery, because it’ll be more noticeable to me. I’ve still got some acne on my shoulders, after a brief period of improvement. My dick has gotten a good bit thicker, too. As far as body hair goes, my chest and stomach are covered, and it looks like I’m going to get more hair on the backs of my hands soon.

11 Months on Testosterone
voice clip : 11 months

I’m still not shaving, although it’s purely obstinance that’s keeping me from it. I always look scruffy, and I should really be using the beard trimmer every day.  There are a couple of darkening hairs outlining where my “soul patch” will eventually be, and the hair on my cheeks is darkening a bit more, though it’s nowhere near as thick as the hair elsewhere on my face. I did notice a while back, however, that I have one or two hairs on the upper part of my left cheekbone.  Creepy.

I feel much more solid these days. Especially in my arms, I feel that my muscles are more defined, although I haven’t been working out. There are a few hairs showing up on the backs of my hands, and my chest and belly fur is filling in quickly.  The acne is gross, but I think I’m just going to have to accept some level of it for a while, until my puberty has run its course.

I’ve been fairly comfortable in my body, most of the time. I am more comfortable being shirtless and/or without a binder around my closer friends, so long as I am in my house. Binding, of course, is incredibly physically and mentally painful. But I have found myself more and more comfortable with my partner touching my chest–I’ve even enjoyed it. I think this is partly because I know that my partner sees my chest as a male chest, and my breasts as simply a part of my body. Also, I resent my chest less than I ever have. I think that they’ve always been the point upon which I fixed all of my body dysphoria– for whatever reason, they’ve been the symbol of my femaleness. But, now, they just feel out-of-place and vestigial. They’re uncomfortable, but not because they make me female, or because they make me appear female (to myself or to anyone else), but rather because of the huge disconnect between them and the rest of my body. I look–I am–male. I just also have breasts, and I relate to them in what I imagine is a similar way that cissexual men with gynecomastia relate to their chests. While I am as certain as I possibly can be that I won’t regret having chest surgery, I’ll admit that it was much easier to send these guys to their deaths when I hated them.

My sex drive remains high, and I find myself attracted to more and more types of people. Most notably, I am increasingly attracted to more masculine-appearing men (beards, body hair, broad/square body types) and to feminine-appearing women (I am suddenly intrigued by long hair). The total number of people in any given room that I will find attractive has increased, too.

10 Months on Testosterone
voice clip : 10 months

The acne on my back and shoulders still seems to be slowly improving. I think my furriness is becoming an important part of my self image–probably a good thing considering how hairy I’m becoming. I was really unsettled earlier this month when I had to clipper my chest and stomach for pre-op photos for my surgeon and insurance company–without my fur, my body felt significantly more female than it has in a long, long time. I clippered my leg hair on a whim and noticed how much more defined my muscles are these days.

My sex drive is quite high these days, and I am enjoying front-hole sex for the first time since I began HRT. I’ve also noticed some fairly significant dick growth over this past month.

I moved into a new place recently, and I was shocked at how much stronger I am than I was pre-T. I hadn’t noticed too much of an increase in strength after the first month; I guess it was a gradual change. I have definitely become more able to lift and carry heavy things for a longer period of time, and I recover from exertion a lot faster than I did prior to HRT.

Also, I visited my therapist to ask her for a letter for surgery when the time comes, and to check in. She agrees that I have no need for therapy at this point in my life, but that I’ll keep checking in with her on occasion. When I get insurance approval for surgery, we’ll meet again to discuss the specifics of my letter.

9 Months on Testosterone
voice clip : 9 months

While the back-ne has been mitigated somewhat thanks to the new binders, the shoulder-ne is disgusting, and hasn’t seemed to improve despite my best efforts.  I worked out three times a week pretty consistently; unfortunately, I’ve had to stop because of binder-related back pain and asthma. I weighed myself a few days ago, and I was 187. People have commented on my weight loss, and I’ve noticed myself–it’s hard not to, though, since my pants keep falling off at inconvenient times.  I actually like working out, and I can’t wait until I can enjoy it without the pain of binding.

Binding is really starting to take a toll on my back, and I’m too uncomfortable to leave the house unbound, even though I still pass.  For example, I went to get a smoothie a week or so ago in only a sports bra and a loose polo.  While I was still gendered correctly, the cashier was obviously staring and thinking that two breast-shaped aliens would explode from my chest at any moment.

I also went to a birthday party that was drag-themed, and I wore a cup bra and a ridiculous poofy dress. I even stayed costumed for quite some time, which means I was in a dress for longer than I have been since I can remember. I wouldn’t have been able to do that even two months ago, so I feel it speaks to my increased confidence and comfort.

I’ve been having a harder time self-injecting lately. I’ve never had to put off a shot or anything, but I’m not really able to think about what I’m doing until after the needle is in my muscle. I’m not afraid of needles, so I’m thinking it’s that I’m upset at the idea of having to do this type of maintenance for the rest of my life.  Once I have surgery and change all my documents, I’ll be able to stop thinking about gender and transition all the time… except for a reminder every 10 days.  I am disappointed that the FDA has put off approving Nebido (a 3-month long shot of T that’s been used in Canada and Europe for a few years now) for up to two years.

8 Months on Testosterone
voice clip : 8 months

The back-ne isn’t quite so bad these days, but my shoulders are still in a constant state of breaking out.  I’ve been losing some weight lately.  At my last doctor’s appointment, I weighed 195lbs (at my first, I was 200.4lbs); I wish I had a pre-T weight, but in general it’s not particularly healthy for me to keep scales around.

I got health insurance through my job in the last month.  For the first time in a long, long time, I have access to medical care. I got an eye exam and glasses, and I have a primary care provider who has taken over my testosterone prescription and prescribed me Wellbutrin, which has been working wonderfully. He also is willing to help try different avenues to get my insurance to cover my top surgery, and the situation is such that I may be able to afford surgery in a matter of months rather than years.

On my first doctor’s visit, I had my T levels checked for the first time. It was the 6th day of my cycle, and my levels were at 334.  When I came back on the 9th day of my cycle, my levels were tested again, and they were at 422. I’m not exactly what could’ve caused me to have a higher level at the end of my cycle than at the middle, but I wonder if it could be the introduction of Wellbutrin. Either way, my levels are lower than I expected, so I don’t anticipate lowering my dose any time soon. Apparently, all of my blood work is normal, including my cholesterol, and my blood pressure is fine.

7 Months on Testosterone
voice clip : 7 months

I’m almost positive that my jawline is more defined.  My facial hair comes in faster now, and it’s still pleasantly soft.  I have to clipper my mustache these days, along with my cheeks and neck-beard, because my whiskers are all quite noticeable.  I’ve noticed that more and more of my facial hair is coming in red; I don’t know whether to attribute this to my Irish/Scottish heritage, or to my spending more time outside now that it’s warm.

A few days back, I gave in and clippered my torso to about .25 inches.  I suspect that I’ll have to get a lot better at manscaping, since there’s no indication that the growth will stop any time soon.  I’m starting to get more noticeable hair on my chest, and my belly fur has spread out and now covers most of the available acreage.  On the back-ne front, I’ve been trying wearing an undershirt underneath my binder (per internet recommendations), and I’m waiting to report on the results of this tactic.

I seem to be getting back a wider range of emotions. I’m able to cry, at least a little bit, when I’m sad. I accept that it’ll never be the same as it was pre-T, though. I may not be as able to express my grief and sadness these days, but I am much better able to expess anger and frustration. To me, it seems to be a fair enough trade.