Aveed (the new name for Nebido/testosterone undecanoate) is still stuck in FDA limbo, and I’ve slowly started to prefer the idea of the implant to long-term injections.  Namely, Testopel would minimize highs and lows in my testosterone levels, and after the initial start-up cost, I suspect that the cost and maintenance would be about equal to (if not less than) Aveed or Cypionate.

However, I’m waiting to explore these options until this summer, when things with school and work have calmed down significantly.  If the doctor in my area won’t treat me, I’m fairly positive that the urologist in the next town over will.

21 Months on Testosterone
voice clip : 1.5 years
voice clip : 2 years

I’m finally back in school, working towards an Associate’s Degree in Nursing at my local technical college.  My tuition and fees are covered by scholarships and the Pell Grant, and my Granny is giving me extra money each month so that I can afford to work less hours and go to school full-time.  I’ve not disclosed my trans status to anybody at school, and it’s been a really affirming and amazing experience so far.

I’m planning on writing a post at some point about my changing attitudes towards disclosure/non-disclosure.

I think that over the past few months, my body has changed some–it’s barely perceptible, but I’ve noticed.  My voice has lowered somewhat.  My usual speaking voice hasn’t changed, but I’m able to talk in a deeper register more comfortably these days.  Also, I’m able to hit lower notes when I’m singing now than I could a few months ago.

The hair above and below my lips is starting to fill in more darkly.  I should have a full beard before long.  These days, I tend to wear a short beard, with my mustache and “soul patch” shaved off.  I think it suits me pretty well–much better than the sideburns/goatee thing I wore for so long.  The beard is somehow more feminine, and I like the way it looks combined with my hair, which I’m growing out.

I got the results back from the lab work I had done in late September on the 4th day of my 10-day shot cycle; my serum testosterone level was 314 ng/dL, which is on the lower end of normal.  I’ve been on 100mg every 10 days for my entire time on HRT, so I’ve decided to experiment with a  140mg/10-day cycle (which is pretty close to the standard dose of 200mg/14-days) to see if I experience an increase in energy or a more stable mood.  I’ve only done one dose this way so far, so we’ll see how it goes.

13 Months on Testosterone

14 Months on Testosterone

1 Year on Testosterone
voice clip : 1 year

Speaking of patches, my soul patch has probably doubled in size in the past month, giving it about 12 hairs under my chin, with about 8 more rising up from my chin to meet it. My mustache is coming in at about the same rate, with random hairs getting longer, then turning darker and thicker. My cheeks are still ever-so-slowly filling in. My facial acne is still concentrated in the areas where new facial hairs are thinking about sprouting; most of my problems are on my lower cheeks and my upper lip.

I feel like my belly is changing shape lately. I’ve had a pot belly ever since I can remember but now it’s getting more pot-like, and reminding more and more of my father’s and my uncles’ bellies. I’m quite self-conscious about it, and I’m incredibly worried that it’ll be even harder after surgery, because it’ll be more noticeable to me. I’ve still got some acne on my shoulders, after a brief period of improvement. My dick has gotten a good bit thicker, too. As far as body hair goes, my chest and stomach are covered, and it looks like I’m going to get more hair on the backs of my hands soon.

11 Months on Testosterone
voice clip : 11 months

I’m still not shaving, although it’s purely obstinance that’s keeping me from it. I always look scruffy, and I should really be using the beard trimmer every day.  There are a couple of darkening hairs outlining where my “soul patch” will eventually be, and the hair on my cheeks is darkening a bit more, though it’s nowhere near as thick as the hair elsewhere on my face. I did notice a while back, however, that I have one or two hairs on the upper part of my left cheekbone.  Creepy.

I feel much more solid these days. Especially in my arms, I feel that my muscles are more defined, although I haven’t been working out. There are a few hairs showing up on the backs of my hands, and my chest and belly fur is filling in quickly.  The acne is gross, but I think I’m just going to have to accept some level of it for a while, until my puberty has run its course.

I’ve been fairly comfortable in my body, most of the time. I am more comfortable being shirtless and/or without a binder around my closer friends, so long as I am in my house. Binding, of course, is incredibly physically and mentally painful. But I have found myself more and more comfortable with my partner touching my chest–I’ve even enjoyed it. I think this is partly because I know that my partner sees my chest as a male chest, and my breasts as simply a part of my body. Also, I resent my chest less than I ever have. I think that they’ve always been the point upon which I fixed all of my body dysphoria– for whatever reason, they’ve been the symbol of my femaleness. But, now, they just feel out-of-place and vestigial. They’re uncomfortable, but not because they make me female, or because they make me appear female (to myself or to anyone else), but rather because of the huge disconnect between them and the rest of my body. I look–I am–male. I just also have breasts, and I relate to them in what I imagine is a similar way that cissexual men with gynecomastia relate to their chests. While I am as certain as I possibly can be that I won’t regret having chest surgery, I’ll admit that it was much easier to send these guys to their deaths when I hated them.

My sex drive remains high, and I find myself attracted to more and more types of people. Most notably, I am increasingly attracted to more masculine-appearing men (beards, body hair, broad/square body types) and to feminine-appearing women (I am suddenly intrigued by long hair). The total number of people in any given room that I will find attractive has increased, too.

10 Months on Testosterone
voice clip : 10 months

The acne on my back and shoulders still seems to be slowly improving. I think my furriness is becoming an important part of my self image–probably a good thing considering how hairy I’m becoming. I was really unsettled earlier this month when I had to clipper my chest and stomach for pre-op photos for my surgeon and insurance company–without my fur, my body felt significantly more female than it has in a long, long time. I clippered my leg hair on a whim and noticed how much more defined my muscles are these days.

My sex drive is quite high these days, and I am enjoying front-hole sex for the first time since I began HRT. I’ve also noticed some fairly significant dick growth over this past month.

I moved into a new place recently, and I was shocked at how much stronger I am than I was pre-T. I hadn’t noticed too much of an increase in strength after the first month; I guess it was a gradual change. I have definitely become more able to lift and carry heavy things for a longer period of time, and I recover from exertion a lot faster than I did prior to HRT.

Also, I visited my therapist to ask her for a letter for surgery when the time comes, and to check in. She agrees that I have no need for therapy at this point in my life, but that I’ll keep checking in with her on occasion. When I get insurance approval for surgery, we’ll meet again to discuss the specifics of my letter.

9 Months on Testosterone
voice clip : 9 months

While the back-ne has been mitigated somewhat thanks to the new binders, the shoulder-ne is disgusting, and hasn’t seemed to improve despite my best efforts.  I worked out three times a week pretty consistently; unfortunately, I’ve had to stop because of binder-related back pain and asthma. I weighed myself a few days ago, and I was 187. People have commented on my weight loss, and I’ve noticed myself–it’s hard not to, though, since my pants keep falling off at inconvenient times.  I actually like working out, and I can’t wait until I can enjoy it without the pain of binding.

Binding is really starting to take a toll on my back, and I’m too uncomfortable to leave the house unbound, even though I still pass.  For example, I went to get a smoothie a week or so ago in only a sports bra and a loose polo.  While I was still gendered correctly, the cashier was obviously staring and thinking that two breast-shaped aliens would explode from my chest at any moment.

I also went to a birthday party that was drag-themed, and I wore a cup bra and a ridiculous poofy dress. I even stayed costumed for quite some time, which means I was in a dress for longer than I have been since I can remember. I wouldn’t have been able to do that even two months ago, so I feel it speaks to my increased confidence and comfort.

I’ve been having a harder time self-injecting lately. I’ve never had to put off a shot or anything, but I’m not really able to think about what I’m doing until after the needle is in my muscle. I’m not afraid of needles, so I’m thinking it’s that I’m upset at the idea of having to do this type of maintenance for the rest of my life.  Once I have surgery and change all my documents, I’ll be able to stop thinking about gender and transition all the time… except for a reminder every 10 days.  I am disappointed that the FDA has put off approving Nebido (a 3-month long shot of T that’s been used in Canada and Europe for a few years now) for up to two years.

8 Months on Testosterone
voice clip : 8 months

The back-ne isn’t quite so bad these days, but my shoulders are still in a constant state of breaking out.  I’ve been losing some weight lately.  At my last doctor’s appointment, I weighed 195lbs (at my first, I was 200.4lbs); I wish I had a pre-T weight, but in general it’s not particularly healthy for me to keep scales around.

I got health insurance through my job in the last month.  For the first time in a long, long time, I have access to medical care. I got an eye exam and glasses, and I have a primary care provider who has taken over my testosterone prescription and prescribed me Wellbutrin, which has been working wonderfully. He also is willing to help try different avenues to get my insurance to cover my top surgery, and the situation is such that I may be able to afford surgery in a matter of months rather than years.

On my first doctor’s visit, I had my T levels checked for the first time. It was the 6th day of my cycle, and my levels were at 334.  When I came back on the 9th day of my cycle, my levels were tested again, and they were at 422. I’m not exactly what could’ve caused me to have a higher level at the end of my cycle than at the middle, but I wonder if it could be the introduction of Wellbutrin. Either way, my levels are lower than I expected, so I don’t anticipate lowering my dose any time soon. Apparently, all of my blood work is normal, including my cholesterol, and my blood pressure is fine.

7 Months on Testosterone
voice clip : 7 months

I’m almost positive that my jawline is more defined.  My facial hair comes in faster now, and it’s still pleasantly soft.  I have to clipper my mustache these days, along with my cheeks and neck-beard, because my whiskers are all quite noticeable.  I’ve noticed that more and more of my facial hair is coming in red; I don’t know whether to attribute this to my Irish/Scottish heritage, or to my spending more time outside now that it’s warm.

A few days back, I gave in and clippered my torso to about .25 inches.  I suspect that I’ll have to get a lot better at manscaping, since there’s no indication that the growth will stop any time soon.  I’m starting to get more noticeable hair on my chest, and my belly fur has spread out and now covers most of the available acreage.  On the back-ne front, I’ve been trying wearing an undershirt underneath my binder (per internet recommendations), and I’m waiting to report on the results of this tactic.

I seem to be getting back a wider range of emotions. I’m able to cry, at least a little bit, when I’m sad. I accept that it’ll never be the same as it was pre-T, though. I may not be as able to express my grief and sadness these days, but I am much better able to expess anger and frustration. To me, it seems to be a fair enough trade.

6 Months on Testosterone
voice clip : 6 months

My mustache is coming in painfully slowly.  My goatee is creeping up my chin, and my neck beard runs from one ear to the other (I keep it clipped as short as possible).  I still have only a small amount of acne, although there’s an occasional breakout.

I’m hairy as hell; I haven’t been minding it as much lately, but since it’s getting warm, I’ll probably be more self-conscious about it soon.  Fat migration is definitely in full swing, as all of the fat in my body seems to have concentrated in my stomach.  Acne on my back and shoulders is an issue, and it’s much-aggravated by my binder.  Not binding is simply not an option anymore, so I’m concerned about how I’m going to handle binding during the intense heat of summer.

I took some measurements and compared them to measurements I took before starting HRT.  I’ve gained an inch in my neck and two inches in my shoulders.  My biceps are half an inch bigger than before, and my chest (under-bust measurement) has gained two inches.  I’ve gained an inch in my waist, but lost an inch in my hips.  Finally, I’ve gained an inch in my thigh.  With the exception of my waist, all gains appear to be muscle.  My shoe size has also remained the same, although I had hoped my feet would grow a bit (as rumors suggested they might).

In the past month, I’ve grown slightly more comfortable with my dick, but have been battling weight/body issues. I feel fat, although I don’t think I’ve gained much (if any) weight over these past months.  At the same time, people have commented that I seem to be losing weight, from my butt and legs especially.  I know this is part of the process, and I know that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, especially because the extra weight in my gut helps hide my chest.

5 Months on Testosterone
voice clip : 5 months

I feel like my face has started to lose some of the puffiness it’s had for a few months, and I’m so very relieved by that.  I’m getting a few more mustache hairs, and my cheeks have more fuzz on them.  More of the same, really.

Since I haven’t been working out as I’d planned, there hasn’t been an increase in muscle mass.  My chest and stomach are definitely hairier, and a few more odd hairs have shown up on my back (!!!). The hair on the tops of my feet and arms has definitely gotten longer and darker, too.

My sex drive is still lower than when I first started my transition.  My dick has probably quadrupled in size, and I’ve had a harder time getting used to it than I thought I would.  It still throws me off whenever I see it or touch it, and I’m strangely self-conscious about it.  I’m hoping this will change for the better soon as well.

Over the past month or so, I’ve had to accept that there are some things about being on testosterone that I don’t like.  It was hard to do, considering what I went through to begin HRT.  I’ve had to accept that I experience emotion differently, and it’s harder for me to talk about my feelings.  I’ve been making a conscious effort to try to be more at home in my mind and body.  It seems to be working, since I’ve been able to cry again, and I’m having an easier time with verbal and textual communication.