Tag Archives: Top Surgery

8 days post-op

I hung out with some folks without my binder on, while it was washed. I left the stuff over my nipples, and then took those off right before I re-dressed them. I feel much more in my body.

Today, when I was changing the dressings and showering, I noticed that it does seem like it’s my skin holding my chest together, and not just the sutures, skin glue, and my binder. I’m feeling a lot more connected to my chest, as evidenced by the fact that I didn’t feel queasy while I was unbound and a little afterward. Anxiety and nausea without my binder has been persistent over the past few days.

Meanwhile, I have been perfecting the art of bandages. Four maxi pads seem to do the trick, and between me and K rearranging them, I can get them in a pretty comfortable place. The super-long “heavy flow” pads seem to be thick enough to make me feel safe, and keep me bound tight.

8 days post-op : left side

9 days post-op : left nipple

8 days post-op : right side

9 days post-op : right nipple

We checked out of our hotel in the morning, and headed into Cleveland to waste time before the follow-up appointment. The post-op appointment was actually at the main Metrohealth Hospital, which turns out to be the size of a small city.

After finding our way to the right waiting room, we waited for what seemed like forever. Then, we were taken back by Andrea, the nurse, and she undid the binder without much fanfare. I felt really delicate and exposed.

Then, she ripped off the foam. It was the most painful part of the whole surgery experience, and it was painful. Very, very painful. In the middle of my chest, I didn’t feel much, but on either side, under my armpits, I was very sensitive, and it was excruciating. I cursed, felt dizzy and nauseous, and lost a good bit of my chest hair.

Next, she removed the surgical tape, which didn’t hurt at all. And my chest was just… there.

first look at my new chest

I’m not going to lie: I freaked out. I had to lie back, and I was brought some water. Andrea was worried that I regretted having surgery, but I didn’t. It was just shocking. And it smelled bad, and it looked so raw, and like my chest was barely being held together. Andrea left me and E alone for a few minutes while she found another nurse to help her remove my drains, because she wanted to remove them both at the same time.

The drain removal itself wasn’t too bad. Andrea pulled out the right side, and I didn’t feel it at all. The other nurse didn’t do as good of a job, and I felt a sharp pain at the end and bled a little bit.

And that was it. I was given further instructions, and shown how to dress my incisions and my nipples, and helped back into my binder, which fit much, much more loosely than it had with all that foam under it. Then, I wobbled back to the car.

On the way to the airport, E and I stopped at a Goodwill, where he helped me try on some shirts, some of which I bought. Everything fit beautifully! We returned the car and waited for our flight to board. Our flight ended up being delayed for a few hours, and the plane was pretty small. By the time we landed, I was grumpy and aching and exhausted, but I was home!

K was waiting for me, and he ran up to me and hugged me (gingerly) as soon as he saw me. It was so great to see him again. It reminded me that I still have 5 more weeks off of work to heal, and spend time with him over the holidays.  We had dinner with E and his partner, and then K took me home.

My first shower felt great, but it was unsettling. I was really nervous about taking off the binder, and about K seeing my chest. He was a lot more comfortable with my chest than I was, and he helped me get the binder off, take off the bandages, and got me into the shower. He washed my hair and my back and arms, and then left me to spend some time with my chest. The shower helped a little; I felt more composed and a little calmer when he helped me put the Bacitracin on my incisions and nipples and helped get me re-bound.

I know I needed this surgery; I know I didn’t want breasts. I feel great whenever I have my clothes on. Without my binder on, though, I feel really disconnected from my chest, and really scared. I hope this gets better.

Over the weekend, I gradually felt better leaving the house more frequently. I felt bored and irritable and ready to be back at home. On Sunday (November 30th), E and I even ventured into Cleveland proper to meet up with some acquaintances and have dinner.

At one point during the weekend, the toilet in our room pretty much exploded. The hotel staff couldn’t find their plunger (?!), so we were just moved next door.

I have never felt so disgusting in my entire life. I’ve never been the kind of guy who has to shower every day, or even every other day. Still, I’m wondering how much Great Clips would charge just to wash my hair. I’m already looking forward to my first shower, when I can just scrape the grunge off of my body.

My throat hurts and my chest keeps tingling weirdly–the nerves are reconnecting, I guess. The drains are driving me insane, but my left side is still draining about 30cc per day.

I did poop today, though. Supposedly, that’s a good thing. But I’d almost rather be constipated; it’s really difficult to reach around and wipe my own ass.

Cognitively, I know that surgery is over. But I can’t see my chest yet, so it doesn’t feel real. It just seems like I’m feeling really shitty and out-of-it, and surgery hasn’t happened yet.

And then sometimes, it sinks in briefly, and I get excited at the prospect of looking normal in a few weeks.

E and I went out again, and someone asked for my ID when I presented my card, since I don’t look like I could be [birth name]. But, I haven’t been able to afford to change my name yet, so I’ll just have to keep making that Johnny Cash joke for a while longer.

There is a blood loogie in one of my drains. It’s so gross. It’s just dangling there, halfway out of the drain and halfway into the bulb–shivering.

Also, arnica gel totally works. My bruise is already several shades lighter than it was yesterday. When I woke up this morning, I hadn’t drained much, except my left side drain had 15mL of disgusting yellowish fluid (lymph?) in it.

I feel physically a lot better; I’m awake for longer periods at a time, and feeling less queasy. My throat still hurts horribly, and my torso is a bit sore, but I’m not in any pain, really.

Getting in and out of bed without using my arms is difficult. My abdominals are getting quite a workout these days.